Tuesday, May 9, 2023

SciFi/Fantasy Book Review: Self-Portrait with Nothing by Aimee Pokwatka

 



Full Disclosure: This book was read as an e-ARC (Advance Reader Copy) obtained via Netgalley from the publisher in advance of the book's release on October 18, 2022 in exchange for a potential review. I give my word that this did not affect my review in any way - if I felt conflicted in any way, I would simply have declined to review the book.

Self-Portrait with Nothing is the debut novel by author Aimee Pokwatka.  The novel is described by its promotional material as Orphan Black meets Fringe, and well - the story features the possibility of alternate worlds and different versions of ones self, so you can see where that comparison comes from.  And there's a significant part of this book that serves as a thriller, as protagonist Pepper finds herself searching for the biological mother she never knew who has gone missing....a mother who is also a famous painter whose portraits are said to bring over the alternate self of its subjects from a parallel universe.  Yet at the same time, there's another significant side of this book which is more introspective, as Pepper wonders about the other possible ways her life could have gone, about choices she and others didn't make, and whether what she has now is really the best possible life for her. 

And that introspective story, along with the character relationships that underpin it, is what makes Self-Portrait with Nothing really really good.  Pepper's struggles with who she is and what she wants (she's probably also neurodivergent, even if she's entirely functional) is really easy to understand and care about.  And then there's her relationship with her husband, expressed largely in this book through texts back and forth, which showcase a loving if not perfect relationship, where the two people involved are trying their best even as they may struggle.  The thriller aspects of things here sometimes doesn't really add up if you think too hard about it, but Self-Portrait With Nothing manages to be a fascinating and excellent book even despite that. 

 
-----------------------------------------------------Plot Summary-----------------------------------------------------
Pepper Rafferty was abandoned as a baby on the front porch of her two mothers, a pair of local veterinarians.  She grew up well loved, and at age 36 is a forensic anthropology professor at a local Connecticut university, studying bones and other skeletal remains with the help of some masters students and occasionally serves as an expert witness for the local police.  Her mothers are close by and she even has a loving husband in Ike, a history professor who studies the history of sexuality largely through the reading of old journals and diaries and who amuses both of them through the sharing of tidbits from his subjects' lives. She should be happy in her life, without question.

But whe Pepper was 15, she discovered - without her mothers' knowledge - the identity of the woman who birthed her and abandoned her: Uma Frost, a famous painter from their town who is known not just for being talented, mysterious, and reclusive, but also for painting portraits that are seemingly magical. Specifically, the portraits are said to bring forth alternate versions of their subjects - from parallel worlds - into our world, and are claimed to have drastically changed the lives of those who have served as the models for these portraits. Pepper often wonders about these parallel worlds - and more specifically about parallel versions of herself: did any of them make different choices and come out braver, smarter, more successful, or somehow hapier than she is? What would some of those other Peppers truly be like?

But when Uma Frost is reported as missing, Pepper's secret comes to the forefront - as Pepper is revealed as Uma's heir and sketchy individuals - greedy corporate raiders and art critics - come out of the woodwork to try to get their hands on Frost's works. Soon Pepper will find herself on a quest to find her mother, any version of her, to really discover who this Pepper - in this universe - really is and who she could be....
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So just getting this out of the way up front, there is a significant part of Self-Portrait With Nothing that is essentially a thriller: Pepper finds herself journeying to foreign countries in search of her mother and her paintings, even as greedy dangerous men come after her in hopes of getting those paintings themselves first: or even better, getting Uma herself. That plotline starts in the first act as Pepper winds up being seemingly chased by the goonish Everett Group of rich men wanting something from Uma's art, and then shifts in the second and third acts to something kind of different as Pepper gets to know and interact with Uma in ways that she could never expect (again, the Fringe/Orphan Black comparisons come into play here). And well this plotline is fine if you don't think about it too much - there's never really that much on the line and how the antagonist shifts from the first and second act to the final act doesn't really make sense if you think about it too hard (for example, the first main antagonist just kind of goes away for no reason and is assumed to be dealt with because they no longer fit into the plot). But the thriller never really is that compelling on its own, which is why its fortunate that it's the least important part of this book.

No, what's most important is Pepper's character, the relationships she has with her husband, her adopted family, and the biological mother she never knew in Uma (as well as others she meets along the way, particularly in part 2 of this book), and how Pepper is constantly wondering about other possibilities and parallel choices that she did not take. As I mentioned above the jump, there's certainly a part of Pepper that might be considered autistic or neurodiverse, in how she struggles with how to talk to people sometimes and how to deal with strange situations and constantly finds her mind racing over possibilities and other issues - she's not exactly strong on personal skills. That said, she's found a niche in which she's functional - working as a forensic anthropologist studying bones - and a relationship that's supportive, so much of her struggles here comes from the storyline knocking her out of that niche more than anything, which sets her into fascinating wondering about alternate versions of herself and who exactly she can be.

And the book's exploration of that through Pepper and others is really really well done, even as she does come to the safest conclusion: that the Pepper of this world is the one who she wants to be the most of anything. We see that in part through her adventures and the issues she encounters with parallel people, through the conflict between her and her far more selfish and unsupported mother - a mother who didn't have anyone else and as such couldn't stop wondering about other possibilities...to her own detriment, unlike Pepper. And we see that mostly through the relationship she has with her husband Ike, which largely takes place through text messages. And it's a relationship that is done tremendously well and feels so real: Ike's nerdy and quirky and that quirkiness is what draws the two of them together, but he's also a real person who can be hurt when his wife keeps secrets like her real parentage, and can behave hurt as a result...but also still loves her and can try to entertain her with asides about the diaries he's studying about long dead persons' sexual experiences and sexualities. Pepper struggles when Ike is hurt with worry and wondering that she made a wrong choice, and that some other Pepper made a right choice that did not result in marrying Ike, but you can see through the book and Pepper finds out through her experiences, how that worry is unfounded. It's a phenomenal relationship which carries the book and its themes.

It's really hard to talk more about this book without spoiling, and I'm not going to go any farther for fear of doing that, because I think it's better to go into this book unwarned. The result is fascinating and well worth your time.

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